How did this happen?
How could have this happened?
I never thought this moment would actually get here.
GODDAMMIT. Stupid Graduation
What the hell am I going to do now?
For about four years, I have lived in this blissful world…a bubble of happiness, where nothing mattered that I didn’t want to matter. I was the master and commander of my own destiny. Then I got an email from the college asking me how many tickets I wanted for graduation.
EXCUSE ME? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Assholes.
Okay, as much as I want to deny graduation, its here and I can’t deny its existence anymore. I can’t pull a Bill Clinton ANYMORE.
So now comes the stress that is graduation. I mean, let’s be honest, I’ve spent the past couple of years of my life avoiding stress as much as I can. But this impending doom of graduation has certainly shaken up my life and introduced me to S_T_R_E_S_S.
Now, I’m going to tell you how to deal with stress. Look, I know that I’m no Dr. Oz, but there is hope for people to deal with the stress of going into real life.
There are 5 essential steps of coping with the stress of leaving college. I shall outline them to you, and if you stick to them, then I can assure you that you might be somewhat adequately prepared to face real life (whatever the hell that is).
DO AS MANY DRUGS AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY CAN
Now many people find this advice foolish. Hell, some may even call it self-destructive behavior. But I ask those people this question: How many other times in your life will you be able to do this? I know that many people are happy being sober, but there are very few times after graduating from college that you will be young, responsibility free, disease-free, and so I say ANARCHY! Do everything at least once in your life, because as clichéd as it sounds, life is too short for you to worry about the bullshit that will inevitably follow you after graduation. So yay for Acid, X, Mexican speed balls, White Lady and anything else that tickles your fancy.
DRINK YOURSELF INTO A SEMI-COMA
Honestly, I can count the number of people on my hand who have not at some point or another in their college career drank their own weight in alcohol. YES, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, and can say I am one of you. But seeing as graduation is around the corner, once it happens, you should probably stop having Thirsty Thursday parties because after leaving the sanctuary of school, you will be labeled an alcoholic. And no one likes to be called an alcoholic. So enjoy these last few weeks of school. I say start your 9 am class with a Screwdriver, lunch with a Long Island Iced Tea, and round your nights off with a bottle of Chardonnay. And on the weekends try to drink the whole keg by yourself.
CALL YOUR PARENTS AND LOVE THEM
Now this is crucial. For those of you who have not yet figured out what is going to happen after college, most likely you will end up at home before spreading your wings and heading out. So you should definitely give them a call and tell them that you love them. Because, if that is where you want to end up, then you want it to be on good terms. So, call your Mama. Tell her you miss her. Call your Pops and give him a rundown of your “life plan” after school. Tell them that you are proud to be their child, or you could say the magic words “I L*&% You” to them. Works like a charm every time.
CALL EVERY PERSON YOU HAVE EVER MET
It’s the fear of getting a job that throws everyone in a stress-induced frenzy that will end with the person sitting in his or her kitchen eating all the contents of the fridge. Given that this is the worst economy to get a job since the Great Depression, and, like the website My Life Is Average, so are your grades and recommendations, now is the time to start calling every single person you have ever known to get a connection and get where you want. Some may call it badgering, some may call it annoying, but I call it being smart and savvy! Honestly, this is how people get a job. Ryan Secrest called his barber’s son who worked in a PR agency, and now look at him. I’m just saying it happens.
THROW A BAD-ASS PARTY
Now, this is the one time in your life that you can have the party that you saw in Sixteen Candles. That one party in which you wonder how no one ever died. You’ll look back at the pictures and see how the geeky kid from genetics got some lovin’ from your girlfriend and her roommate. You’ll see yourself doing a keg stand that would make your Mama proud. You’ll see your best friends as the beer pong champs of the night, after making a cup in double overtime. A night where true love is found and friendships are formed forever. A night that lives on forever because it’s just one of those nights. So go on, throw that party. Be that person.
So, my amigos, I have given you as much wisdom I could find on the Internet to give. Now all I can say is this: Relax! You’ve had an amazing college career and made memories that are too beautiful to put into words. Everything happens for a reason, and you’ll end up exactly where you are meant to end up. So go forth and don’t be afraid because life moves pretty fast, and if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.